Emmys

I am a sucker for award shows. I like the Oscars, the Grammys, the VMAs, the Emmys, and so on. I even sacrificed watching football to watch the Emmys last night.

Btw, don't get me started on why it's Emmys and Grammys and not Grammies and Emmies, because that just seems wrong, but that's what people call them and how they spell it. So I'll play along and pretend it doesn't make my neck hair stand up.

The Emmys are to the Oscars what the Europa League is to the Champions League. If you don't know what either of those are, google it and admire my snarkiness. If you wonder if there are a lot of different Emmys, the answer is yes, there are. The Emmys will nominate pretty much anyone as long as they've made some sort of television-like media, including your local weather forecaster, the host of daytime or late-night talk shows, and a whole bunch of shows available only on the streamers you didn't pay for. This year, the Emmys even nominated a guy who's been dead for more than a year (in fact, he was so dead that he wasn't even in their In Memoriam anymore, presumably because he's been dead for too long to be recognized for being dead). Moreover, they seem to take pleasure in nominating the same people year after year FOR THE SAME SHOW, so if you didn't win this year (or even if you did), as long as you make another season, there's always next year (even if you're dead). And they have a whole bunch of "technical awards" that they don't even bother showing, so the number of nominations, nominees, and winners is orders of magnitude larger than that for the Oscars.

So given that I'm shitting all over the Emmys, why did I watch them, you may wonder. 

Well, as a proper list maker, I had several reasons:

  • Seeing if I can guess who will win an award without having seen any of the nominees (✓)
  • Discovering new shows I may want to check out (✓)
  • Feeling joy when a show or performer I actually heard about or watched (and liked) gets recognition (✓)
  • Recognition (ideally belatedly) for someone who deserves it (✓)
    • Corollary: Hear about someone deserving for the first time when they get some sort of lifetime achievement award for an event I'd missed, and googling it and realizing 24 years later that yes, that was pretty brave. 
  • Cameo appearance of someone I really like or feel nostalgic about (✓)
  • Something actually funny or surprising in a thank-you speech (✓)
    • My favorite Emmy moment: Slow horses creator unfortunately also named Will Smith: "Despite my name, I come in peace"
    • Runner up: Alan Cumming, upon winning best reality or competition program, thanking Holland (in addition to his native Scotland) "because I don't think we thank Holland enough because so many of these shows like The Traitors were first made up in Holland and they obviously have something in the water so let's find it and let's drink it and all of America's problems will be solved"
    • Honorable mention: John Oliver's tribute to dogs
Less positive, but still valid, reasons that I admit to:
  • The cringe scripted jokes by the hosts and celebrities invited to announce awards (✓)
  • Seeing who got snubbed (including being left out of the In Memoriam) (✓)
  • The hope for drama - a Will Smith moment (✓)
  • Having something to bitch about to my friends (or agree about with the reviews) (✓✓✓)

Regarding the last point: NOT on my list:

  • Having the same shows that won a bunch of awards last year win a bunch of awards again this year, pretty much for the same thing. Especially if, after last year's Emmys, I checked them out ("wow that show must be really something") and was not that into them. 
  • Obvious thank-yous—your family, your crew/cast/agent/co-workers without whom this would not have been possible, the showrunner who gave you this incredible opportunity, your fellow nominees who are so much more talented than you, all the people who somehow match your self-perceived identity who went ahead of you and who made your award or acting career possible, etc.
    • Suggestion for nominees: I know you're an actor and normally other people write your words. Once you are nominated, perhaps have someone creative write something creative
    • Use this as your test: It should be non-obvious and meaningful to more than ten people in the audience (perhaps even entertaining to some of the millions watching)
    • Interesting innovation: ABC showing a note with all the names of the people you wanted to thank but didn't. I guess that's like the credits at the end of a show, which nobody reads or cares about either except for the people who are in them.
  • Your political rants. Yes, I know award shows are a platform and this is an election year and God help us, there are people who will listen to you rather than to actual experts or independent journalists. But unless you are going to say something we don't all already know, it's indulgent.
    • The bumper sticker on your Prius is indulgent, too. As is the Prius.

Special case of what's not on my list: your "only those who fit my self-serving identity criteria can talk about or portray certain topics and people" rants. The Hollywood Reporter was generous when they called it "a little overlong and a little self-congratulatory." To state the obvious more succinctly:

  • Yes, 1950s casting director: if a character's race matters to the plot, and you need shoe polish, there might be a better candidate for the part
  • And I definitely draw the line at Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher. The real Reacher is 6'5, 250 lbs, and blond. Tom Cruise is 5'7, 150lbs, brunet. That's just blatant appropriation.
  • And Johnny Depp should not have been allowed to play Willy Wonka. Everyone knows Gene Wilder is the real Willy Wonka, and Timothée Chalamet is the actor who played him (respectfully) because the real Willy Wonka was dead when they made the biopic. Pfff.

Overall, I concur with the Hollywood Reporter review: It wasn't a disaster. I suppose that's not high praise or a high bar. But it was better than the 49ers game, so I'll chalk that up as a win.

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